Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
