why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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