Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
