Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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