Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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