And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can't put those talents on a resume
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
