State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
