Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
