Betty ford says i'm here all night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
