best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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