Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
