so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
