i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I cut my penus on the lid.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
