You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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