if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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