Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
