You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
