When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
