...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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