I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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