yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
