Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
