ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
