No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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