hotel room ftw
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
