I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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