I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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