508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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