i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
