He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
