thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
