I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
