I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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