Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
