i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
