Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We left the knife in your bed.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
