Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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