the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
