i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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