I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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