Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
