Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
