did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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