the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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