I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
