It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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