Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She bit a glass in half.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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