Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
