Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
