I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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